[arrivederci]

I'm sorry that you hated my myspace.
I'm sorry that you hated everything on it, and how I use it to get people's attention so I can talk to them.
I'm sorry that you wouldn't accept any of the small changes I made, and you couldnt see them.
I'm sorry that you wished I would change, and I didn't grant your wish...
I'm sorry you couldn't even see how hard I was truly trying.
I'm sorry you won't and can't believe anything I say.
I'm sorry for all I did to you.
I'm sorry it hurts.
I truly am.

Goodbye, my friend.

Good Luck

"He’s drifting in the sea, when a screaming symphony tells him that he’s drowning.
All the lights fade away.
And the last thing he heard her say: goodbye, I love you, and good luck!
The darkness of the sea surrounds him as he sinks.
The light shines through the water, and slowly fades away.
The love of his life has lost him this day.
Goodbye, I love you, and good luck! Good luck, my love.
Drowning, surrounded and entwined by the sea.
He’s drowning.
Goodbye, I love you, and good luck!
Good luck, my love."
(Off the in progress "Good Luck" album, my new song, also titled "Good Luck".)

Revitalized?

Revitalized?
Category: Life

I’ve been talking about how I’m a new person...

I’ll let you know now and up front that I’m still the same guy...

So if I go through a tough time and have a low, and post some really depressing "emo" blog...

DO NOT FREAK ON ME, ALRIGHT??!!!

Yes, I am starting over.

Yes, I’m a new person... I have motivation, I have drive, I have reason, I’ve set things straight.


BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT THE OTHER PART OF ME IS TOTALLY GONE!

SO, if I’m sad because I screwed up, don’t slam me because I said I was different. I am... but it takes trial and error to change...


just keep that in mind. I’m not trying to justify screwing up by any means, but I’m just throwing that thought out there just in case anyone tries to bash me if I mess up again...

Writings in the Night...

Writings in the night...
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Life

I wrote this last night... when I was supposed to be asleep... in a notebook... so now I’m putting it on here... not sure why...

"3.23.08
Tonight is much like many other nights in the past. Refusing to sleep, for fear of what dreams my traitorous mind may conjure up. Sleep... a fascinating concept, relly... A way in which to escape the world and all ones problems. But at the same time risking them [ones problems] being worse and manifest in dreams. Dreams... The mind’s way of coping, the mind’s drug. Though not addictive, one may long for a dream just as any addict for his doom. In many different ways as well. One may desire for a peaceful, serence dream, another violence and death. Yet another, sinful pleasure. Then the norm for yours truly... ANYTHING that isn’t reality or even relatively close. Soon, I will question why I’m writing this. Maybe I’ll put it on MySpace and expose my personal venting... Or maybe I’ll rip it up and burn it as a symbolic metaphor to my freedom... Are my parents listening? Wait... To what? Pen writing on paper Or are they even aware of my activity as of now? Does anyone really care? I’ll admit, my life isn’t as bad as you may think I try to cut it out to be. But do know there is more than meets the eye. Then once you read the book, and judge its contents, there is the fine print, the hidden codes, the last pages, rejected chapters. So don’t think you ever completely know me for one second! Wow. I feel like I’m hiding. In my bed, writing by the light of my iPod. And for what? To entertain my thoughts? NO. Let it be known to all that I don’t enjoy thinking about 90% of the things I do most of the time.
Tonight is much like any other night. Desiring sleep... Longing to be freed of my thoughts. Afraid of letting them loose inside my head as I sleep. Condenscending... Condenscending upon whether or not it’s me or my head. My murderous mind. Always plotting to kill me. I’ve now switched to light of handheld system for sight... I want to keep writing but I have not but rants within. Except one ting. You know who you are- thanks. I need it. Good night."

And then I wrote this as soon as I woke up.

"3-24-08
Just as an addict cries out for his poisen, I yearn to be heard. Several people have met the need (you know who you are), and I sincerly thank both of you. Though, I do not want everyone to truly "know" me... I mourn for those who don’t. Not because you don’t "know" me, but because you think you do, and are satisfied with your relationship with me. Sure, I could flat out open up TO you and show you the real "me", but out of love for you I won’t. Ignorance is bliss, my friend, and knowing nothing continually proves itself better than knowing all. Yes, I want you to know me, but opening up to you myself is not a chance I am willing to take. It may be extremely selfish, but I have reasons. So many a friend have I lost by just being real with them... So many a rumor has spread about me, sometimes even my friends, sparked by someone I thought I could trust, somebody that thought they knew me. My reasons may seem only self-centered, but I assure you, in ways I cannot and will not explain now, they are not.
I must say that this whole thing I’ve been putting off recently is slighty hypocritical. I’m basically telling you to work hard and pry and examine and dissect ME to try to get to know the REAL me. To you it may not seem worth it... and I will not argue my worth... I will admit I do NOT examine and work hard and pry and dissect all my friends to get to know them... Save a few... When I just get a feeling that they need me, or vice versa. So let it be known I am NOT telling you to follow my example. I beg of you: do not. I don’t want to ruin more people...
I’m torn between a somewhat decent reputation, and lots of ignorant friends that care about me, or a horrible reputation, and a few knowing friends that care about me, and understand. I find myself running to the wrong people. Why am I running at all? To where? To whom? Nothing. I run to die."


Look deep into my words... the metaphors and imagery I use are not just to fill up space. Each word and phrase has a meaning... Look deeper than the first few layers you see... please.

Look into my eyes...

Look into my eyes....
Current mood: betrayed
Category: lost Life

for what am i so torn?
i have naught to be torn about...
my neck hurts and my eyes burn... my heart pounds constantly with its ever steady rhythm...
my soul aches...

i have so much within me to say...

but no words with which to express them...

i am so... liquid... viscous... inconsistent...
I practice hypocracy... unintentionally... but even so.

what masquerade do i claim ownership to? none! yet i am so devoted... so loyal as to maintaining my idiosyncratic likeness, but even paronomasias cannot define my reasoning.

i know not why i am what i am...


The fact the i am so different in reality from what i portray here in this cyberland causes many of you to believe me a hypocrite... some dub me emo, others 'wanna-be-emo'.

Hear me on this, i am not a 'wanna-be-emo'. i don't label myself. if slapping a tag on me satisfies your cravings go ahead. you call me a mask-wearer, BUT KNOW THIS:

the "mask" you see here... the "mask" you see on myspace, on the internet, this isn't a mask... this is RC unveiled... the "unmasked" me you see everyday... he is the mask-wearer... he hides behind his humor, his coarse jokes.


you see me at school, you see me at the mall, you see me here you see me there, you see me "happy"... you see me laughing...


have you EVER once looked me in the eye? i bet my life on it that if you were brave enough to stare me in the eyes... that YOU were the one who broke eye contact...


no one looks beyond the cover...

yes dont label a book by its cover... but you may look inside, you may see the 'foreward', or a summary of the book... but you can't label the book by those either... just because you think you've o' so brilliantly took heed to the maxim by looking inside, dont think that the FIRST THING YOU SEE IS WHAT IS THERE... i'll hvae you know ITS NOT...


people constantly say to me on myspace, 'wow you arent this emo in real life! haha jk jk'...


HAHA?

JK?
JK?

WHAT?

why do you laugh at me?!

in real life, i lie to you.



in real life i disguise myself... you may not understand, but willingly opening myself up to you is sooooo dangerous...


i'll try to make this as monosyllabic as possible:


what you see of me in person isn't really me. what you read and see and hear of me on the internet isn't me either... but it's CLOSER to me than the bs mask you see in person...


no one ever looks me straight in the eyes... if they do its rarely a second...


why? i don't know...

is it because you are afraid? do i scare you?

take what you will from this...

but i ask you now...


take time to look me deep in the eyes...

dont make a deal out of it... dont tell me you are...

just look deep in my blue eyes...

and tell me...

what do you see?













loss... longing... temporary satisfaction maybe at times... anger... starvation... a moribund soul... a lie?

i gurantee to you that even those of you who think you know me...


YOU DON'T.


my closest friends...


i love you people,


but, you miss the point...


even when i open up to you there is so much i hide... so much you dont see... so much you cant tell...

i'm screaming for something...


but sometimes for your sake knowing nothing is better than knowing it all...












just remember that...


next time you see me...




stare into my eyes... if i see you, i'll stare back...





look beyond the happy little son of a preacher you think i am...





what do you see?

idk

A confession of a confused soul...
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

People... people change.
I... I change too. It's just not as noticeable to me, because I am the one changing, and it's over a slower period of time.

I notice when other people change and some times I get upset.

I don't notice when I change, and I get upset when people keep telling me I'm different.

The other day, I went "back in time" for a while, and read some stuff from a few years back, and looked at pictures, and stuff I had written and promised myself and others.

It made me sad.

I now realize a lot:

I'm a liar; I'm a hypocrite; I've cheated; I've stabbed people in the back; I've rejected; I've shunned; I've corrupted; I've manipulated; I've hurt; I've ruined; I've burned bridges; I've made promises, then destroyed them; I've broken vows; I've abandoned; I've forgotten; I've started to hate; I've not forgiven; I've changed.


...
.......
...
.......
...


I don't really know why I'm writing this blog.

Everyone can read it.

And know how I feel.

And I can gurantee you at least 1 person will be like "Are you okay? I'm here for you!"


I don't really have a point in this...
I'm just sad...

And I guess I'm venting to whoever reads this.

I apologize for all I've done to all of you... and to those of you who never read this...

I'm really truly sorry... You'll never know how exactly I feel. I know you've moved on, and you know I've moved on from who I was...


I'm different.

I don't know what exactly has affected me this way, causing me to become what I am now, but I am what I am...


I've ruined so much... killed so much... destroyed so many relationships.

And for what?

Nothing.






Why do I keep spacing things out so much?

Is it because I have nothing to say?

Or because I'm thinking?

Or trying to delay the inevitable?





I am a patron saint of lost causes...


None will know.









Why am I like this?

I don't regret some of the things I've done... Some of my changes... my mutations...

My past tends to haunt me... but now looking at it... at the "good ol' days", there was so much good in them too... but they make me so sad... So broken. So empty. There is a hole inside me that nothing can fill. An abyss...

The other day when I looked at you... I saw it in your eyes. A fear... a pain. A loss... but for a gain.

A heart burned away... by fires of hate. A tear slips away... now... what remains? What is left??


I can't keep going on like this, while there is so much pain...

So much decay... loss... decomposition...

In confusion I'll run amiss...

But if I keep my aim...


I'll reach something...

BUT WHAT?!

I don't know.

Why run?



Why keep going?


What's my motivation? What's the cause? I don't know... I don't know why I ask all these questions... Why does it matter...



So let mercy come and wash away what I've done.

I face myself, to cross out what I've become. Erase myself... forgetting what I've done...



Thank you.

Just Checkin in... 2.10.08

Hey guys... so yea... as you can tell i deleted a bunch of random posts, and i WAS planning on killing all of them, but i didnt wanna take the time...
so basically i dont really blog that much anymore... i mostly do myspace and stuff... but i mean i still like blogs...

so anyways, ill just summarize all thats important that you need to know.


I now have 4 myspaces, but 2 of them are secret identities... lol muahaha. so anyways yea

www.myspace.com/rcjrmusic - the music artist RC JR
www.myspace.com/rcjr44 - the RC, not artist RC JR, but just the casual normal RC guy...


i also do photobucket, "mooseleader", but my pics r random crap i use for my myspace usually...

um wat else do i do? o yea IM


lol

AIM - RCJRMusic
Yahoo - leaderofthemoose
xFire - rcjunior
Myspace IM - just add me on my pages above, but my sn is 'rcjr44'
Skype - MooseLeader



um o yea im writing music.


i have an "album"... lol


so yea its not rlly published, and every time i record a new song if its good i usually add it to the 'album' and every once and a while i nix a song i think isnt good enough or rerecord an oldie... lol so yea.


my most recent NEW song is ''jazz improv"... as its name implies its me BSing with jazz chords. there are a ton of diff variations i do, but i just recorded one...


most recent song w/ words is "action of regret".

i recorded it, and it was RLLY bad...
thats the version you all heard.


BUT
recently i rerecorded it, and now the final version is on my music page. it looks like its on there twice, but one is instrumental and the other one isnt.


lol yea. so not all my songs are on the internet ANYMORE DUE TO SOME PEOPLE UM... RYAN AVELLA GARETH SMITH DREW GOCAL ETC ETC tht were um DOWNLOADING them illegally and tormenting me at school... so yea i only put them up every once and a while... hahaa


so yea...



but eventually when i feel satisfied with the 'album' (which has been so CREATIVELY dubbed "RC JR - The Album"), i will most likely upload ALL of them to the internet...


there are also 'shrouded songs'... tht are hidden and WONT be on the INTERNET ever save a few good ones... lol


but yea im also working on an album cover, im using photoshop and i hav a friend doin some other thing idk wat lol its crazy multicolored pixelated pics of me...

lol eventually we'll get a good one and keep it.


so yea then when its totally done ill stop adding stuff to it, and it will forever remain 'RC JR - The Album"...

but unchanged lol...

so yea even then it wont rlly be an album...


but maybe one day if i get enough mulas i can get a cheap record deal so i can get myself on iTunes.


lol rite now thts my first goal...

iTunes...


once i get there then ill continue on. so yea


g2g.

ttyl peeps

All My Blogs!

As you all know, I have a lot of blogs, and as of today, Tuesday, May 29th, 2007, I have officially 50 BLOGS! Below, there is a list of my blogs, and there are the URLs next to them. This is in both of my accounts.

RC JR
Peanut Butter Jelly Time! – www.thepeanutbutterjellytime.blogspot..com
Random Uploaded Chiz – www.randomchiz.blogspot.com
The Songs of RC JR – www.thesongsofrcjr.blogspot.com
RC JR Games – www.rcjrgames.blogspot.com
Lyrics – www.rcjrlyrics.blogspot.com
The Loft! – www.theloftband.blogspot.com
The Path of RC – www.thepathofrc.blogspot.com
The Debators – www.thedebators.blogspot.com
Pics of Me – www.picsofrcjr.blogspot.com

Bob
The “Icelandic Killer Goats” have Moved! – www.icelandickillergoats.blogspot.com
“The Carrillo” has Moved! – www.thecarrillo.blogspot.com
WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE IN PAIN AND AGONY!!!!– www.camstermassie.blogspot.com
Metroid Prime: Hunters – www.metroidprimehuntersfortheds.blogspot.com
Arguing with Phil – www.arguingwithphil.blogspot.com
Recent News – www.recentmoosenews.blogspot.com
The Many Gifts of the Liquid Form of Matter – wwwjoebobandfredsliquidformsofmatter.blogspot.com
The Moose Empire’s Geography – www.mooseempiresgeo.blogspot.com
The Moose Music Page – www.the-moose-music-page.blogspot.com
The Moose Empire’s Rules and Constitution – www.mooseconstitution.blogpsot.com
The Moose Empire’s History – www.moosehistory.blogspot.com
All ‘Bout Me! – www.bobsprofile.blogspot.com
Moose News – www.mooseempirenews.blogspot.com
The Prophecies and Now… - www.themooseempirepropheciesandnow.blogspot.com
The MOOSE Empire – www.themooseempire.blogspot.com
The Prophecies – www.mooseprophecies.blogspot.com
Moose Empire Leadership – www.mooseleaders.blogspot.com
The Moose Empire Interesting Facts – www.mooseempirefacts.blogspot.com
Moose Documents – www.moosedocuments.blogspot.com
The Ducky Death – www.duckdeath.blogspot.com
The Moose Are Converting – www.conversionmoose.blogspot.com
The Moose Empire’s Purpose – www.mooepurpose.blogpsot.com
Moose Murder – www.moosemurder1.blogspot.com
Pollfest!! – www.pollfest.blogspot.com
The Moose Empire Scan – www.the-moose-empire-scan.blogspot.com
Horrifying Doom!! – www.halfdomedoom.blogpsot.com
The Prophecies’ Fulfillment Begin! – www.fredleaves.blogspot.com
Rebels in the West – www.westrebels.blogspot.com
EDUCATIONAL TELEVISION!! – www.barneyattack.blogspot.com
Assassination Attempt on the Government – www.assassinationattempt.blogspot.com
Super-Moose Is Back! – www.supermoosereturns.blogspot.com
Super Moose – www.flying-moose.blogspot.com
Bob is Preparing for War! – www.preparingformoosewar.blogspot.com
Bob is Debating Leaving the Moose Empire – www.bobdebating.blogspot.com
The Moose Republic Has Converted!! – www.empireconversion.blogspot.com
Spoofs – www.moosespoofs.blogspot.com
CSI: Moose Murders – www.csimoose.blogspot.com
boredom – www.boringmathhomework.blogspot.com
The Moose Empire’s People Profiles – www.mooseprofiles.blogspot.com
Amish Join the Lusus Naturae – www.amishtraitors.blogspot.com
The “E” – www.theearereturning.blogspot.com

Warnings...

Okay peoples,
I am warning you of what I am called on certain wesites, and what certain people call me, so if you hear these names anywhere on a website, from a person, or if I reference to them, you will know what I mean.

I am RC, or Carrillo, or The Carrillo, as some people call me.

I founded the Moose Empire, and am also a member of Metroid Prime: Hunters, and Camstermassie. I used to go to Rincon Valley Christian School, in California, but recently I transfered to SRC. Some people (I am still debating if "people" is the right term...) know me as Bob, or High Leader Bob.

Many Internet polls know me as TheZulk, or MooseLeader, and on the main Star Wars website, I took an old infamous spammers name, who has been banned for nearly years and still rembered, and I added a space to his name, and I am hated and loathed on the main Star Wars polls as thatonesithlord05.

On Metroid Prime: Hunters for the Nintendo DS, on the Nintendo Wi-fi Connection, I am known as The Trojan. (named after the computer virus that destroyed one of our PCs, not what you just thought.)

On Runescape (for those of you who know what that is), I am known as The Zulk, fallybegger, Bookasha1, Bookasha3, Zeppo100, Gollum 5000, nathanboy0505, and the zulk1.

And my other blogger file is Bob...